Statue of Imitations

****BEST ITEMS TO BARTER**** – $500000 (glendale, ca)

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Reply to: ********
Date: 2009-07-06, 11:24AM PDT

I have several things to barter here is a list. This is THE CREAM OF THE CROP mint condition stuff so dont make low ball offers. Cash is good but I am also looking for other things TVs, electronics, classic guitar, NO REASONABLE OFFER WILL BE REFUSED IF YOU GOT IT OFFER IT I MIGHT BE INTERESTED. Here are the items:

Brand new still in the box Surround sound system 6.1 dolby, retail value is over 1k. I can show you the website

Car system with custom box, 2 phoenix gold subs 12 inch with a custom box 1200 watts each speaker

Electric guitar and amp – Fender

Laptop – IBM T42 great condition 80gig hard drive, works perfect

Kingston mini SD card, unopened

Broken computer – needs a hard drive mainly for parts

Hooka, shish – purple hooka about 24 inchs, rarely used with hoses and tobacco

Michal Cooper autographed mini basketball

PS3 games – UFC Undisputed, Madden 08, Nascar 08.

Standing waterfall – Slate rock, really nice – pour water and enjoy the sounds. No mess no fuss I have it in my house

Sony Viao laptop GSR model its very old – parts only.

______________________________________________________

Me: 
Friend – you really do have some great things.  Let us barter.

Alex:
ok what do you have?

Me:
Well, what is it that you seek?  Not only do I have material objects but I also have great knowledge I would be willing to share with you… for the right trade.

Alex: 
Look stop wasting my time. Give me a list of what you are offering. I seek anything and everything. I dont need great knowledge as I already have that so what material objects do you have.

Me:
I did not mean to upset you or “waste your time” – Forgive me if I did.
 
I have many things you may like.  I have some original paintings (some framed), a coffee maker, broken microwave, popcorn maker (it burns the popcorn alot of the time though), two life size statues of dwight eisenhower (they accidentaly sent me two) a big cd collection and some very interesting books.  I also have an old bike and some shovels.  My jacuzzi is not for sale/trade though, so please dont ask.
 
Which items of yours would you like to trade for mine?

Alex:
do you have pics of the statues and the old bike?

Me:
Here is a picture of my eisenhower statue.  The other one is just like it but its in storage.  Also here is a picture of my bike.  It is very comfortable and has been through alot of funny stories that I can tell you if you want to know them.  Like the time I rode it naked through my college campus (THATS A GOOD STORY – YOULL LIKE THE END!)

Alex:
What do you want to trade for the statue.

Me:
How about the guitar/amp, waterfall and either the laptop or the car sound system?

Alex:
Ill give you the guitar alone for it.

Me:
You drive a hard bargain.  Eisenhower was a great president and this is a great statue.  He looks really funny when you put different hats on him  (One time my friend put a KKK hood over it – really funny looking) – What kind of guitar is it?

Alex:
Fender. How much is the statue worth?

Me:
It is truly one of a kind so I would say it is almost priceless.  What kind of Fender?  Strat? Telly? Is it American made or Mexican?

Alex:
american strat the neck was replaced a year ago.

Four days later…

Me: 
I am embarassed to admit this, but I broke my statue while trying to get it ready to trade with you.  I have been trying to put it back together for the last couple days, this is why you have not heard from me.  I got most of it back together, but it doesnt really look like Dwight D Eisenhower anymore.  Still interested?

Alex:
nope

Me:
It sort of looks like a down syndrome Tom Bergeron now.  So maybe that could be interesting?

Alex:
maybe not.

__________________________________________________________

Oh SNAP!  

Just think, with this one trade, Alex could have become the world’s foremost conniseur of “Tom Bergeron afflicted with Down Syndrome” art.

Looks like you missed the boat on this one Alex! 

Well, maybe I’ll invite you to my T.B.A.W.D.S gallery when it opens.

maybe not.

Namaste.

Send me your tattoo sketch

Here’s my version of my tattoo as described in the post below.  Wouldn’t this just look wonderful on my back? 

Send me your sketches, doodles, scribbles, drawings, paintings, and/or murals; to tyler.funwithcraigslist@gmail.com or suffer a fate far worse than this fallen warrior.

I’ll post them on my blog and the best one will win something! 

(Hey, bribery works, just ask my people!)

Namaste.

A Tribal Tattoo, of sorts

DOPE TATTOOS! (CHATSWORTH )

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Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-07-02, 11:16AM PDT

OFFERING MY TATTOO SERVICES FOR THE FOLLOWING OR CASH!

BLURAY PLAYER
LCD HDTV
35″ TIRES
MACBOOKS, IBOOK, POWERBOOK G4, ETC.
PRO RECORDING STUDIO EQUIPMENT
REFRIGERATOR

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU GOT AND MAYBE WE CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

___________________________________________________________

Me:
I have many things.  lets trade

Pain (yeah, that’s his “name”):
WHAT DO YOU HAVE? 

CAN YOU LIST ME YOUR STUFF?

Me: 
Yes.  I have…

• HDTV
• bag of animal hair (few different kinds of animals)
• knife collection
• Laptop
• rhino horn (REAL)
• some small taxidermy animals (moles, mice, squirrels – that type of thing)
• Ipod video
  some “spices” and “herbs” from far away places

I would like a tattoo that will honor my heritage and the proud traditions of my people.

Pain:
hdtv is cool! what brand and size?

what tattoo are you trying to do?

also the laptop, what kind and specs?

Me:
The hdtv is Mitsuhishi (not mitsubishi)  It is a knock off from Japan but works pretty good most of the time.  It is a 26 inch screen.  I bought it while on a round the world trip of the world.  I have some wonderful pictures I could show you if you want (NOT NAKED)
 
The laptop an acer.  13″. 1.2ghz 256mb ram. has dvd/cd burner but there is an “adult” film stuck in the drive – so you’ll need to be at least 18 to get this from me.  I hope this is not a problem.  It is a good film.
 
I was thinking of something with an indian warrior.  My specific tribal ancestors were very violent.  They often ripped their prisoners hearts out of their chest.  So maybe a warrior splitting open a rib cage and reaching in the chest cavity for the heart.  You seem very skilled so I dont think this would be a problem would it?  Do you think it is too gruesome?
 
Thank you for your quick replies,
Ty

Pain:
ARE YOU TRYING TO DO A BACKPIECE?
SOMETHING WITH THAT MUCH DETAILS WOULD BE MORE APPRECIATING IN A LARGER SCALE
TO SEE MORE DETAILS. AND NO IT ISNT TOO GRUESOME. AND YES I AM WAY OVER 18.
IS THE TV AN LCD FLAT PANEL?
WHEN DO YOU WANT TO GET STARTED? DO YOU HAVE ANY PICS OF YOUR ANCESTORS THAT I
CAN VIVE OFF OF?

Me:
A backpiece sounds like a good idea.  I would like it to be very detailed and I think you can do it very good.
 
 I have spoken to a friend about it and he believes there should also be like two wolves (maybe just one) that belong to the warrior also tearing at the dead prisoner’s body, being loyal to their master. There should also be a squaw (indian woman) in the background who is just barely covering her nipples with either her hair or her hands.  Or do you think her nipples should show? I value your input.
 
 She should also be looking at the warrior with a little bit of lust in her eye.  And I would like her to have braids.  Her breasts should be quite large (not comically large – just full, like when a woman is nursing)  She should not be naked on her lower half though.  Do you think it would look better with the sun in the sky or a full moon?
 
The tv is flat screen but it is very heavy,  And I am glad you are over 18, you will like the movie in the dvd drive very much.
 
I have attached a picture similar to what my ancestors looked like.  Very imposing and majestic dont you think?  Would you like me to find an indian woman too for inspiration?

 

 

 

 

 

Pain: 
so the tv isnt one of those thins tvs you can mount on the wall?

Me: 
No you can.  It is just heavy.  Just need a good mount.

Pain:
COOL! I WILL DRAW IT UP AND TAKE IT FROM THERE.

___________________________________________________________

It’s been three days and “Pain” never got back to me.  On one hand, I am sad that I don’t have a hilariously violent sketch to share with you of an Indian, aided by his trusty wolves,  ripping out the heart from his enemy’s chest cavity while a lustfull squaw looks on.

On the other hand, I’m really grateful that I didn’t have to tell some tattoo artist named “Pain” who had spent hours on back piece sketch why I would no longer be seeking his services.

But hey – if YOU would like to try your hand at sketching this wonderful tattoo, feel free to send me a sketch at tyler.funwithcraigslist@gmail.com.  If you’re not artistically inclined – all the better, it will just be funnier.

If I get a few, I’ll post them on my blog.   Just imagine how famous you could become.

Namaste.

Unbelievable

antique York safe (Los Angeles)

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Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-23, 10:20PM PDT

Tenant left this behind.  I have stored for a year, but now just want to get rid of it.  Research leads me to believe it is from the ’30s.  Very heavy, if you can haul it away, its yours

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

___________________________________________________________

Me:
Greetings,
 
It is great fortune that I should come across this very safe.  Do you still have it in your belonging?

Stacey: 
Hi Sal, You are the 5th person to respond. I will keep you posted, as someone is on their way to look at it. Thanks! Stacey

Me:
Oh this is truly disheartening.  If they are not able to crack the safe, I will be happy to give it a shot.  We can split whatever we find inside.  We do not even have to exchange any information just in case anyone is ever suspicious and tries to find us.

Stacey: 
Hi, Thank you for your interest in the safe – the first person who responded picked it up.

Me:
What did you find inside?

Stacey: 
While I was curious, my motivation was to get it out of the garage. After it was loaded onto the truck, though, I did say, “If you find a million bucks, send me a bottle of wine!”  Perhaps I’ll enjoy a fine Bordeaux once they open it…

__________________________________________________________

Okay, I know this one isn’t all that funny but I just can’t believe she gave away a safe that she never opened!  Are you kidding me?! 

“Hey look, an antique safe from the ’30s that I can’t get open.  A mysterious tenant abandoned it when they left.  I know – I’ll just give it away and never look inside!”

I REALLY hope whoever picked it up sends her a bottle of wine, even if the safe is empty.  Just a lone bottle in a box with a note that says “Thanks.”  I’d love to see her face when she got that in the mail.

Ugh… Namaste.

Lizard Tales

Bearded Dragons for sale (Miami)

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Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-22, 5:32PM EDT

Bearded dragons for sale.  they are 7 weeks old.  will include a month’s worth of food.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________

Me: 
Hello – do you still have these little guys?

Tim: 
yes I do, are you interested.

Me: 
Very.  My roommate is absolutely terrified of lizards.  These look especially scary. 
 
I think I may be able to finally make him pee himself.  We have a bet, if I get him to pee himself before he gets me to throwup I win $800 bucks.  I’ve gagged a few times but havent quite yet thrown up  It was close though when he left the rotting cat in my pillow case. YUCK.
 
dont worry though, the lizards will face no danger.

Tim: 
You guys have a weird way of pranks, but to each is his own.  Whenever you would like to see them let me know and I can make arrangements for you to do so.  They are babies and are tiny right now (notice the pic on the right) but they do grow to a nice size.  I have two adults that you can see (not for sale). just le me know

Me: 
Haha yeah we do.  I was THIS close to getting Joey to pee last week.  I paid my friend from work 50 bucks to hide in Joey’s closet and wear a ski mask while holding a knife.  Unfortunately, when Joey opened the closet he actually just passed out from shock.  Haha he didnt talk to me for 3 days.  That’s when he put the cat corpse in my pillow case. 
 
Do you have any ideas as to what way I could display the lizards to scare him really badly?  After the initial scare though, we will keep the lizards as our regular pets.  I already have most of the supplies.

Tim: 
whenever u see them you can decide the best way to display them.  I dont know how you rooms are set up.

Me: 
Whats the most I could get?

Tim: 
forty bucks a piece, so thats up to you, and I have 5 left

Me: 
Do bearded lizards tails come off like other lizards?  I was thinking about maybe waiting for him to fall asleep.  Then I’ll dangle them from some fishing line (tied around their tailes) above his face and wake him up. Obviously, this will not be a good idea if their tails are the kind that detach.  I would probably want to buy all 5 though.
 
Haha I’m going to end up spending more than $800 just trying to win the $800.  Oh well

Tim: 
That’s definitely not a good idea to hold them by their tails and they will come off.  They are ready to go whenever you are ready.

Me: 
Please tell me then what I shall dangle them from?  I am committed to my plan.

_________________________________________________________

Can you believe Tim abandoned me in my time of need?  He was right there, right in the thick of things, ready to help me make my roommate pee himself, but then we hit one little hitch in the plan and he runs off and leaves me alone with a great plan and zero lizards.

Tim, do not expect me to come to your aid ever again.  You are alone in your struggles.

Namaste.

A Bloody Good Deal

Used Restaurant Equipment Needed (Phoenix)

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Reply to:****
Date: 2009-05-29, 12:39PM MST

Used restaurant equipment needed. Kitchen equipment, tables, chairs, counters. Reply only if equipment is clean, good price and in good working condition.
___________________________________________________________

Me:
We had a terrible accident at our restaurant.  It is now closed.  We are hoping to sell the majority of our equipment.  Would you be interested?

Jennifer:
yes call 602-418-****

Me:
Cannot call curently (legal reasons) – We have three large refrigerators, a freezer unit, stove, dishwasher, and other equipment.  Some were involved in the “accident” – does that matter?

Jennifer:
can we see the equipment

Me:
Most of it is currently being held as evidence but I can send you some pictures I took before the “incident” – Would that be okay?  I included a picture of one of the refridgerators.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jennifer:
yes we are inrerest does the equipment still look like useable equipment

Me:
Yes – they may need some heavy cleaning/scrubbing though.  Most of the units are stainless steel though, so I dont think it will take too much to remove the blood.  There are some scratches and marks from the “event” that will not come out but they are cosmetic and should not effect the usability of the various appliances.  Sorry if this is startling.

Jennifer:
call us when you are ready

Me:
I’d be willing to sell for less if you can handle the cleaning yourself.  I really cant imagine dealing with it.  I still can hear the screams and yeah, I’d just much rather not have to bother with it.  Everything does work really good though.  Wish I didnt have to sell it all.

Jennifer:
we also buy tables chairs any thing to do with restaurant keep in mind

Me:
No furniture.  Most was burned and whats left is in no condition to ever be used again.
 
Ever.

Jennifer:
where is your restaurant located?

Me:
Do you buy kitchen supplies too?  We have a good set of professional kitchen knives.  It is only missing the meat cleaver.
__________________________________________________________

Jennifer was awfully persistent.  I like that she was willing to buy equipment that had obviously been part of a terrible accident/murder as long as the price was right. 

But I guess when it came down to it, no murder weapon = no sale.

Namaste.

Cage Rage

3 Ft Wide By 4 Ft Long By 6.3 Feet Tall CAGE Just Lowered – $300 (Email For Adress)

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Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-18, 7:53AM PDT

Huge Bird Or Dog Even Cat Cage Look at Picture Has 6 Doors and two Level. very nize galvanized material price was just lowered and its firm $300 firm. no less email for adress and number

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Me:
I will happily pay 300 for this awesome cage.

One question, how many cats do you think I could fit in it?

Arturo:
It depends i had 4 i am sure more fit in it. its two level and has i belive 6 if not 12 doors.   it is 3 ft wide and 4 ft long so theirs room. oh and 75 inches tall from floor to the top of cage.

Me:
Hmm… I need to fit alot more than 4 cats into it.

How many could you fit in there if they were all piled on top of each other?  (I HAVE ALOT OF CATS LOL!)

Arturo:
It depends how big maybe you can fit 20

Me:
Can I bring my cats over and see if they will all fit? they are VERY NICE KITTIES.

Arturo:
cALL

Me:
wHEN?

Arturo:
when ever

Me:
If I cant get all my cats in my car, can I drop off the first load and then go home and bring back the next group?  really like this cage

Arturo:
REALLY IF THEY DON’T FIT IN YOUR CAR THEN THEY WONT FIT ON THE CAGE , STOP WASTING MY TIME WITH DUMB QUESTIONS I GOT ADVERTISEMENT TO DO IF YOU ARE REALLY INTERESTED CALL THE OWNER HIS NAME IS TINO AND HIS NUMBER IS (805)908-**** I AM OUT OF THIS BUSINESS CONTACT THE OWNER INSTEAD

Me:
My questions are not dumb.  they are practical.  I cannot believe how rude you would be to a customer.  I am sorry if my thoroughness has caused some bother to you  I just want to get information about what I might spend $300 dollars on.  Maybe you are just a cat hater.  If this is the case, you don’t have to look at my cats when I bring them over.

Arturo:
out all who responded no normal human person has asked such a question MAYBE YOUR JUST ANOTHER SPAMMER WHO CANNOT CALL AND COME BY AND LOOK AT THE THING AND DECIDE IF YOU WANT IT i told you call the owner BECAUSE I AM AN ADVERTISER FOR AAA SERVICES THATS ALL

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Well Arturo, I’m no normal human person.

Namaste.

Alley-Oops

basketball tournament for all (redondo)

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Reply to: *****
Date: 2009-06-15, 7:50PM PDT

call and have fun and win money and trophys.  sign up at <ripoff website> for more info.

____________________________________________________________

Me: 
Will there be any racist teams there?  I do not want to see any White Power groups playing basketball.
 
Waiting,
Sal

Trip: 
NO.  RACISM & OTHER IGNORANCE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

Me: 
Fantastic.  This is how I know you are having a good tournament.  I have been to a few in the past where they were VERY RACIST.  They said words I WILL NEVER REPEAT. EVER!  The only thing that racists are good for is NOTHING! I HOPE YOU AGREE.  I will be excited to play in your great tournament.

Trip:
Ok, Great.  I do agree with you. 
Also, Please send me an email with your 4 players name, age, and info and sign up on the website to register for the tourney.

Me: 
Fantastic Trip.  I am very excited to play in your tournament!
 
I lost the website link, could you send it to me again?
 
As far as our team goes…
 
It will be me, Sal Fontaine, 32, Italian.
 
Then I have two black guys – I think their names are like Jamal or DeMarcus or something like that.  (Where do they get those names? LOL)  I got them because they are tall and probably good at basketball.  I really want to win
 
I havent chosen a fourth player yet, but it will probably be either my neighbor or this guy I met at work.  They are oriental and mexican respectively.  They will be the alternate and probably will not play (and they are short)
 
I am not sure how old my teammates are but I can find out soon.
 
Also, do we get to choose a team name?

Trip:
Absolutely, please choose a team name.  You have to send me the names and ages of each teammate and they must sign up at <ripoff website>

Look forward to seeing you there. 

Me: 
We will be called “Slam Drunk”
 
Do we get jerseys?

Trip: 
No, there are no jerseys, you guys will need to bring one white tee and one dark colored tee

Me: 
My teammates have quit on me.  They claim they never said they would play with me.  Can I play 3 vs 1?  I am very good.  I need the money.

Trip (1 day later):
It was really fun.  I had to play with some other guys I didn’t know, they weren’t very good, but we got 3rd place.  1st place was a $900 prize.  Oh well. 
Sign up at <ripoff website> and we’ll play together next time.

___________________________________________________________

So… I don’t know where to begin.  Trip says racism won’t be tolerated, yet he tolerates me quite well – he even offers to play with me at the next tournament!

Trip, you sir are a true conundrum.

Namaste.

Stuffed Animals

STEPHEN KING MOVIE ANIMALS — PET CEMETERY II (Georgia)

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Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-15, 2:45PM PDT

I have some of the animals that were used in the Stephen King movie PET CEMETERY II. I have documentation for these as well. (I have more things for sale that you can see by CLICKING ON A PICTURE. I am in ATL

___________________________________________________________

Me:  THESE ANIMALS ARE AWEEEEEEEEESOME! 
 
DO YOU STILL HAVE THEM?
 
SALOMON (BUT YOU CAN CALL ME SAL, OR SALL)

Myron:  yes

Me:   Myron – how did you steal these from Stephen king?!  I bet that is a good story to hear!

Myron:  Didn’t steal them . I have a Taxidermy shop (had) here in Covington. They came to me and leased them for the movie and then returned them to me.

Me:  Oh I see – I am sorry, I did not mean to assume you were a criminal.  What happened to your taxidermy business?  I have always wanted taxidermied animals in my life.  Lots of times at the zoo I see all the animals, like tigers, lions, chinchillas, etc and I think “I would really like to own that animal but I would not like to be afraid for my life”  And that is when I decided that taxidermy would be a good compromise.
 
Take your crazy white dog and those wild cats for example.  I would be scared of them in real life but when they are dead I just laugh and think about how funny they would look with beer cans resting on them.  This will sound foolish, but they wont bring me any bad luck will they?  Pet Cemetery was very creepy and I wouldnt want to buy any cursed animals.  Please do not mock my spirtuality.
 
How much  (including shipping) for these wonderful specimens

Me (1 day later):  I am still waiting for your response Myron.  Hope all is well.

Me (2 days later):  I WANT TO BUY THE ANIMALS PLEASE!  I GET VERY IMPATIENT!

__________________________________________________________

No taxidermy animals for me.  I guess Myron got a little sensitive when I insinuated his animals were cursed.

Or maybe Stephen wanted his pets back.

Namaste.

Cars for Jars

My 1998 VW Jetta for your… (West LA)___________________________________

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-16, 4:14PM PDT

 i have a 1998 jetta that is it very good mechanical condition. 132k miles, 5 speed stick shift, power locks.

I Don’t drive it anymore…this would be perfect for a highschool/college student. I am willing to trade for a scooter or sports bike. If you have anything else to trade I would be willing to entertain interesting offers…
Series inquiries only please. Thanks

 

 

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________

Me:  I would be happy to trade with you.

Jake:  Hi sal, what do u have?

Me:  Well.  It depends.   Are you looking for “interesting” items?  (DO NOT WORRY. THAT IS NOT SEXUAL INNUENDO)

Jake:  What do u have

Me:  I have an extensive collection of things in jars.  You name it, I’ve got it in a jar.  Really.
 
And if I dont, I can get it.  Often times, I can get very large things into a comically small jar. 
Sort of like a ship in a bottle but instead of a ship, it could be something like a turtle (without the shell)

Me:  Hello?  If you are trying to think of something you would like in a jar, it doesnt have to be just one thing.  I can trade you many of my jars (and their contents) in exchange for your car.

Jake:  No thanks

Me:  Are you sure?  Id be willing to trade one of my most prized jars.  It has over 37 different toes (in fermaldyhyde) – most of the toes are pre-1920’s.  It is a great conversation starter and looks great on a coffee table or near a liquor cabinet. 

Some think it is gruesome but I think it is interesting to ponder who these toes belonged to and what sort of lives they lived and what led them to losing their toes.  I know at least two of them are from miners in the gold rush times who lost them due to frostbite. I will be sad to see them go, but I need a car.

__________________________________________________________

Seemed like an even trade to me.

 

Namaste.