Lizard Tales

June 26, 2009

Bearded Dragons for sale (Miami)


Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-22, 5:32PM EDT

Bearded dragons for sale.  they are 7 weeks old.  will include a month’s worth of food.

lizards

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________

Me: 
Hello – do you still have these little guys?

Tim: 
yes I do, are you interested.

Me: 
Very.  My roommate is absolutely terrified of lizards.  These look especially scary. 
 
I think I may be able to finally make him pee himself.  We have a bet, if I get him to pee himself before he gets me to throwup I win $800 bucks.  I’ve gagged a few times but havent quite yet thrown up  It was close though when he left the rotting cat in my pillow case. YUCK.
 
dont worry though, the lizards will face no danger.

Tim: 
You guys have a weird way of pranks, but to each is his own.  Whenever you would like to see them let me know and I can make arrangements for you to do so.  They are babies and are tiny right now (notice the pic on the right) but they do grow to a nice size.  I have two adults that you can see (not for sale). just le me know

Me: 
Haha yeah we do.  I was THIS close to getting Joey to pee last week.  I paid my friend from work 50 bucks to hide in Joey’s closet and wear a ski mask while holding a knife.  Unfortunately, when Joey opened the closet he actually just passed out from shock.  Haha he didnt talk to me for 3 days.  That’s when he put the cat corpse in my pillow case. 
 
Do you have any ideas as to what way I could display the lizards to scare him really badly?  After the initial scare though, we will keep the lizards as our regular pets.  I already have most of the supplies.

Tim: 
whenever u see them you can decide the best way to display them.  I dont know how you rooms are set up.

Me: 
Whats the most I could get?

Tim: 
forty bucks a piece, so thats up to you, and I have 5 left

Me: 
Do bearded lizards tails come off like other lizards?  I was thinking about maybe waiting for him to fall asleep.  Then I’ll dangle them from some fishing line (tied around their tailes) above his face and wake him up. Obviously, this will not be a good idea if their tails are the kind that detach.  I would probably want to buy all 5 though.
 
Haha I’m going to end up spending more than $800 just trying to win the $800.  Oh well

Tim: 
That’s definitely not a good idea to hold them by their tails and they will come off.  They are ready to go whenever you are ready.

Me: 
Please tell me then what I shall dangle them from?  I am committed to my plan.

_________________________________________________________

Can you believe Tim abandoned me in my time of need?  He was right there, right in the thick of things, ready to help me make my roommate pee himself, but then we hit one little hitch in the plan and he runs off and leaves me alone with a great plan and zero lizards.

Tim, do not expect me to come to your aid ever again.  You are alone in your struggles.

Namaste.


A Bloody Good Deal

June 24, 2009

Used Restaurant Equipment Needed (Phoenix)


Reply to:****
Date: 2009-05-29, 12:39PM MST

Used restaurant equipment needed. Kitchen equipment, tables, chairs, counters. Reply only if equipment is clean, good price and in good working condition.
___________________________________________________________

Me:
We had a terrible accident at our restaurant.  It is now closed.  We are hoping to sell the majority of our equipment.  Would you be interested?

Jennifer:
yes call 602-418-****

Me:
Cannot call curently (legal reasons) – We have three large refrigerators, a freezer unit, stove, dishwasher, and other equipment.  Some were involved in the “accident” – does that matter?

Jennifer:
can we see the equipment

Me:
Most of it is currently being held as evidence but I can send you some pictures I took before the “incident” – Would that be okay?  I included a picture of one of the refridgerators.

fridge

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jennifer:
yes we are inrerest does the equipment still look like useable equipment

Me:
Yes – they may need some heavy cleaning/scrubbing though.  Most of the units are stainless steel though, so I dont think it will take too much to remove the blood.  There are some scratches and marks from the “event” that will not come out but they are cosmetic and should not effect the usability of the various appliances.  Sorry if this is startling.

Jennifer:
call us when you are ready

Me:
I’d be willing to sell for less if you can handle the cleaning yourself.  I really cant imagine dealing with it.  I still can hear the screams and yeah, I’d just much rather not have to bother with it.  Everything does work really good though.  Wish I didnt have to sell it all.

Jennifer:
we also buy tables chairs any thing to do with restaurant keep in mind

Me:
No furniture.  Most was burned and whats left is in no condition to ever be used again.
 
Ever.

Jennifer:
where is your restaurant located?

Me:
Do you buy kitchen supplies too?  We have a good set of professional kitchen knives.  It is only missing the meat cleaver.
__________________________________________________________

Jennifer was awfully persistent.  I like that she was willing to buy equipment that had obviously been part of a terrible accident/murder as long as the price was right. 

But I guess when it came down to it, no murder weapon = no sale.

Namaste.


Cage Rage

June 23, 2009

3 Ft Wide By 4 Ft Long By 6.3 Feet Tall CAGE Just Lowered – $300 (Email For Adress)


Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-18, 7:53AM PDT

Huge Bird Or Dog Even Cat Cage Look at Picture Has 6 Doors and two Level. very nize galvanized material price was just lowered and its firm $300 firm. no less email for adress and number

CAGE

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Me:
I will happily pay 300 for this awesome cage.

One question, how many cats do you think I could fit in it?

Arturo:
It depends i had 4 i am sure more fit in it. its two level and has i belive 6 if not 12 doors.   it is 3 ft wide and 4 ft long so theirs room. oh and 75 inches tall from floor to the top of cage.

Me:
Hmm… I need to fit alot more than 4 cats into it.

How many could you fit in there if they were all piled on top of each other?  (I HAVE ALOT OF CATS LOL!)

Arturo:
It depends how big maybe you can fit 20

Me:
Can I bring my cats over and see if they will all fit? they are VERY NICE KITTIES.

Arturo:
cALL

Me:
wHEN?

Arturo:
when ever

Me:
If I cant get all my cats in my car, can I drop off the first load and then go home and bring back the next group?  really like this cage

Arturo:
REALLY IF THEY DON’T FIT IN YOUR CAR THEN THEY WONT FIT ON THE CAGE , STOP WASTING MY TIME WITH DUMB QUESTIONS I GOT ADVERTISEMENT TO DO IF YOU ARE REALLY INTERESTED CALL THE OWNER HIS NAME IS TINO AND HIS NUMBER IS (805)908-**** I AM OUT OF THIS BUSINESS CONTACT THE OWNER INSTEAD

Me:
My questions are not dumb.  they are practical.  I cannot believe how rude you would be to a customer.  I am sorry if my thoroughness has caused some bother to you  I just want to get information about what I might spend $300 dollars on.  Maybe you are just a cat hater.  If this is the case, you don’t have to look at my cats when I bring them over.

Arturo:
out all who responded no normal human person has asked such a question MAYBE YOUR JUST ANOTHER SPAMMER WHO CANNOT CALL AND COME BY AND LOOK AT THE THING AND DECIDE IF YOU WANT IT i told you call the owner BECAUSE I AM AN ADVERTISER FOR AAA SERVICES THATS ALL

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Well Arturo, I’m no normal human person.

Namaste.



Alley-Oops

June 22, 2009

basketball tournament for all (redondo)


Reply to: *****
Date: 2009-06-15, 7:50PM PDT

call and have fun and win money and trophys.  sign up at <ripoff website> for more info.

____________________________________________________________

Me: 
Will there be any racist teams there?  I do not want to see any White Power groups playing basketball.
 
Waiting,
Sal

Trip: 
NO.  RACISM & OTHER IGNORANCE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.

Me: 
Fantastic.  This is how I know you are having a good tournament.  I have been to a few in the past where they were VERY RACIST.  They said words I WILL NEVER REPEAT. EVER!  The only thing that racists are good for is NOTHING! I HOPE YOU AGREE.  I will be excited to play in your great tournament.

Trip:
Ok, Great.  I do agree with you. 
Also, Please send me an email with your 4 players name, age, and info and sign up on the website to register for the tourney.

Me: 
Fantastic Trip.  I am very excited to play in your tournament!
 
I lost the website link, could you send it to me again?
 
As far as our team goes…
 
It will be me, Sal Fontaine, 32, Italian.
 
Then I have two black guys – I think their names are like Jamal or DeMarcus or something like that.  (Where do they get those names? LOL)  I got them because they are tall and probably good at basketball.  I really want to win
 
I havent chosen a fourth player yet, but it will probably be either my neighbor or this guy I met at work.  They are oriental and mexican respectively.  They will be the alternate and probably will not play (and they are short)
 
I am not sure how old my teammates are but I can find out soon.
 
Also, do we get to choose a team name?

Trip:
Absolutely, please choose a team name.  You have to send me the names and ages of each teammate and they must sign up at <ripoff website>

Look forward to seeing you there. 

Me: 
We will be called “Slam Drunk”
 
Do we get jerseys?

Trip: 
No, there are no jerseys, you guys will need to bring one white tee and one dark colored tee

Me: 
My teammates have quit on me.  They claim they never said they would play with me.  Can I play 3 vs 1?  I am very good.  I need the money.

Trip (1 day later):
It was really fun.  I had to play with some other guys I didn’t know, they weren’t very good, but we got 3rd place.  1st place was a $900 prize.  Oh well. 
Sign up at <ripoff website> and we’ll play together next time.

___________________________________________________________

So… I don’t know where to begin.  Trip says racism won’t be tolerated, yet he tolerates me quite well – he even offers to play with me at the next tournament!

Trip, you sir are a true conundrum.

Namaste.


Stuffed Animals

June 18, 2009

STEPHEN KING MOVIE ANIMALS — PET CEMETERY II (Georgia)


Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-15, 2:45PM PDT

I have some of the animals that were used in the Stephen King movie PET CEMETERY II. I have documentation for these as well. (I have more things for sale that you can see by CLICKING ON A PICTURE. I am in ATL

catsdog

___________________________________________________________

Me:  THESE ANIMALS ARE AWEEEEEEEEESOME! 
 
DO YOU STILL HAVE THEM?
 
SALOMON (BUT YOU CAN CALL ME SAL, OR SALL)

Myron:  yes

Me:   Myron – how did you steal these from Stephen king?!  I bet that is a good story to hear!

Myron:  Didn’t steal them . I have a Taxidermy shop (had) here in Covington. They came to me and leased them for the movie and then returned them to me.

Me:  Oh I see – I am sorry, I did not mean to assume you were a criminal.  What happened to your taxidermy business?  I have always wanted taxidermied animals in my life.  Lots of times at the zoo I see all the animals, like tigers, lions, chinchillas, etc and I think “I would really like to own that animal but I would not like to be afraid for my life”  And that is when I decided that taxidermy would be a good compromise.
 
Take your crazy white dog and those wild cats for example.  I would be scared of them in real life but when they are dead I just laugh and think about how funny they would look with beer cans resting on them.  This will sound foolish, but they wont bring me any bad luck will they?  Pet Cemetery was very creepy and I wouldnt want to buy any cursed animals.  Please do not mock my spirtuality.
 
How much  (including shipping) for these wonderful specimens

Me (1 day later):  I am still waiting for your response Myron.  Hope all is well.

Me (2 days later):  I WANT TO BUY THE ANIMALS PLEASE!  I GET VERY IMPATIENT!

__________________________________________________________

No taxidermy animals for me.  I guess Myron got a little sensitive when I insinuated his animals were cursed.

Or maybe Stephen wanted his pets back.

Namaste.


Cars for Jars

June 17, 2009

My 1998 VW Jetta for your… (West LA)___________________________________

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-16, 4:14PM PDT

 i have a 1998 jetta that is it very good mechanical condition. 132k miles, 5 speed stick shift, power locks.

I Don’t drive it anymore…this would be perfect for a highschool/college student. I am willing to trade for a scooter or sports bike. If you have anything else to trade I would be willing to entertain interesting offers…
Series inquiries only please. Thanks

jetta

 

 

 

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________

Me:  I would be happy to trade with you.

Jake:  Hi sal, what do u have?

Me:  Well.  It depends.   Are you looking for “interesting” items?  (DO NOT WORRY. THAT IS NOT SEXUAL INNUENDO)

Jake:  What do u have

Me:  I have an extensive collection of things in jars.  You name it, I’ve got it in a jar.  Really.
 
And if I dont, I can get it.  Often times, I can get very large things into a comically small jar. 
Sort of like a ship in a bottle but instead of a ship, it could be something like a turtle (without the shell)

Me:  Hello?  If you are trying to think of something you would like in a jar, it doesnt have to be just one thing.  I can trade you many of my jars (and their contents) in exchange for your car.

Jake:  No thanks

Me:  Are you sure?  Id be willing to trade one of my most prized jars.  It has over 37 different toes (in fermaldyhyde) – most of the toes are pre-1920’s.  It is a great conversation starter and looks great on a coffee table or near a liquor cabinet. 

Some think it is gruesome but I think it is interesting to ponder who these toes belonged to and what sort of lives they lived and what led them to losing their toes.  I know at least two of them are from miners in the gold rush times who lost them due to frostbite. I will be sad to see them go, but I need a car.

__________________________________________________________

Seemed like an even trade to me.

 

Namaste.


Grinder’s Keeper, Losing Sleepers

June 17, 2009

Electric Meat Grinder (Highlands)_____________________________________

Reply to: *****
Date: 2009-06-16, 3:09PM EDT

 Looking for a meat grinder that grinds bones for cat food making.
Looking for something fairly cheap.
Can trade for $ or photographic services or 2 Schwinn bike frames

____________________________________________________________

Me:  I have lots of grinders, of all types and for all purposes.

Lew:  Great. How much would an electric one that grinds bones as well as meat be? Or were you interested in trade?

Me:  I have many that will grind bones.  Is there a specific kind of bone you wish to grind?  I have no need for money.  A trade for an interesting item will suffice.

Lew:  Chicken bones and rabbit bones are essential to a cat’s diet, so not giant bones, just enough for a turkey or something.
OK, these are the things I have that I can trade:
A bookshelf, an entertainment center, books, a Scwhinn bike frame, a multitude of books, an oxygen tank holding walker and a light bright with the bulbs.
Does any of this interest you?

Me:  Friend, it is okay – You do not need to hide your true need for these ground up bones.  I too am Wiccan and know how important ground chicken and rabbit bones are for our various ceremonies and rites!  Isnt it great we found each other?    Though I must admit, the cat story is very clever!  If I wasnt a wiccan I would have never guessed!  Do you attend any of the Wiccan groups in the louisville area?  I am looking for a new one if you could recommend one to me that would be AWESOME.  anyways, I would like to know more about the Schwinn bike frame.
 
Hail and Well Met,
Sal

Lew:  Actually… I’m an atheist.
My cat has reoccurring urinary tract infections and the vet told me its either very expensive prescription cat food or the healthier alternative which is a raw food diet. http://www.catinfo.org/makingcatfood.htm
The frame is vintage. I can take a picture for you. It’s just a frame, no tires or handle bars.

Me:  Wait… you really need the bones for your cat? 
 
Oh no.
 
PLEASE dont tell anyone my secret!!  I thought you were wiccan too and would understand.  This is terrible.  Do not worry, it is not bad for you – just for me.

Lew:  Its already in the papers, honey

Me:  Excuse me, please stop emailing me.  I don’t know who you are.  I am not a wiccan. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT ISSSSS!!!!!!!!!

_________________________________________________________

Well, it worked – Lew stopped emailing me.  But I do not think my secret is safe with her.  I will have to cast a spell of silence upon her.

This was quite an informative conversation though.   I learned that cats with UTI’s need ground bones in their diet and that “Hail and Well Met” is a traditional Wiccan greeting.  Thanks Google.

Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as Namaste though.