July 1, 2009

antique York safe (Los Angeles)

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-23, 10:20PM PDT

Tenant left this behind.  I have stored for a year, but now just want to get rid of it.  Research leads me to believe it is from the ’30s.  Very heavy, if you can haul it away, its yours










It is great fortune that I should come across this very safe.  Do you still have it in your belonging?

Hi Sal, You are the 5th person to respond. I will keep you posted, as someone is on their way to look at it. Thanks! Stacey

Oh this is truly disheartening.  If they are not able to crack the safe, I will be happy to give it a shot.  We can split whatever we find inside.  We do not even have to exchange any information just in case anyone is ever suspicious and tries to find us.

Hi, Thank you for your interest in the safe – the first person who responded picked it up.

What did you find inside?

While I was curious, my motivation was to get it out of the garage. After it was loaded onto the truck, though, I did say, “If you find a million bucks, send me a bottle of wine!”  Perhaps I’ll enjoy a fine Bordeaux once they open it…


Okay, I know this one isn’t all that funny but I just can’t believe she gave away a safe that she never opened!  Are you kidding me?! 

“Hey look, an antique safe from the ’30s that I can’t get open.  A mysterious tenant abandoned it when they left.  I know – I’ll just give it away and never look inside!”

I REALLY hope whoever picked it up sends her a bottle of wine, even if the safe is empty.  Just a lone bottle in a box with a note that says “Thanks.”  I’d love to see her face when she got that in the mail.

Ugh… Namaste.


Cars for Jars

June 17, 2009

My 1998 VW Jetta for your… (West LA)___________________________________

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-16, 4:14PM PDT

 i have a 1998 jetta that is it very good mechanical condition. 132k miles, 5 speed stick shift, power locks.

I Don’t drive it anymore…this would be perfect for a highschool/college student. I am willing to trade for a scooter or sports bike. If you have anything else to trade I would be willing to entertain interesting offers…
Series inquiries only please. Thanks









Me:  I would be happy to trade with you.

Jake:  Hi sal, what do u have?

Me:  Well.  It depends.   Are you looking for “interesting” items?  (DO NOT WORRY. THAT IS NOT SEXUAL INNUENDO)

Jake:  What do u have

Me:  I have an extensive collection of things in jars.  You name it, I’ve got it in a jar.  Really.
And if I dont, I can get it.  Often times, I can get very large things into a comically small jar. 
Sort of like a ship in a bottle but instead of a ship, it could be something like a turtle (without the shell)

Me:  Hello?  If you are trying to think of something you would like in a jar, it doesnt have to be just one thing.  I can trade you many of my jars (and their contents) in exchange for your car.

Jake:  No thanks

Me:  Are you sure?  Id be willing to trade one of my most prized jars.  It has over 37 different toes (in fermaldyhyde) – most of the toes are pre-1920’s.  It is a great conversation starter and looks great on a coffee table or near a liquor cabinet. 

Some think it is gruesome but I think it is interesting to ponder who these toes belonged to and what sort of lives they lived and what led them to losing their toes.  I know at least two of them are from miners in the gold rush times who lost them due to frostbite. I will be sad to see them go, but I need a car.


Seemed like an even trade to me.



Horsing around

June 14, 2009

i will work with your horse for????? (will travel in sfv palmdale areas)

Reply to: see below
Date: 2009-06-11, 9:48AM PDT

I will ride your horses in exchange for any horse tack, panels, or any other horse stuff you may want to trade. I can also walk, pony, bathe, groom, turn out. blanket or just clean stalls…. also looking for small friendly goat for company for one mare.



I have a steed in need of breaking.

Can you do this?


Ronda:  yes I can how old?

Me:  I’m not sure.  I found him wandering my property.  He is pretty big. I know it is a he because I saw his "male parts."  He is all black (but with one white spot that kind of looks like a billiard ball).  He is very wild though and I can’t get near him.  Can you assist with this?

Ronda:  possibly where are you located

Me:  Sun Valley, in the hills.  I’ve found horses on my property before, but this is the first one that was alive when I found it.  I dont know where they are coming from.  What would you like in return for your services?

Ronda:  i am desprate for one stall all for panels with a gate..  I am taking in a rescue horse but I didn’t realize she needs to be in a stall.  my others are in pasture.

If the horse is still on your property go get some alfla and start feeding him, if you haven’t already make sure he has water too.  You can start putting out a bucket of carrots too.  He will come back at feeding time if you are consistant.  Same time every day…..  Don’t waver in the feeding times.  Horses need to eat every twelve hours and they must have water.

Unfortunately I am going out of town until Monday but he should stay around if you are feeding him.  I can come over next week and try to catch him.  Are you planning on keeping him? 

My name is Ronda and my husband will be helping me his name is Daniel we could come when we get back in town.  sorry it couldn’t be sooner.

let me know what is good for you.

Me:  this horse seems intent on killing me.  it gives me crazy eyes and runs at me whenever I try so much as even look at it.  I am frightened.  It is quite good at sneaking up on me.  But I am sad to say I have no stalls/stables for your use.  I do have a garage though.  Thank your for your feeding tips.


I feel kind of bad about messing with Ronda.  She was very nice and gave me some great tips for caring for a stray horse, should one ever come into my possession.

However, she was not very helpful when it came to the whole killer horse thing.


Skullduggery in Iowa

June 10, 2009

~/~/~Cow Skull~/~/~ – $40 (Beaverdale)

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-04, 8:44AM CDT

Cow Skull for sale – in really good condition. $40









Me:  What sort of skull is this?  It looks impressive.  Strong.
Namaste to you, kind hunter,

Katie:  It’s a real cow skull.

Me:  Oh how wonderful!  Did you hunt the cow yourself?  I have never hunted cow, mostly just squirrel and other ground varmints.  Your cow skull would look wonderful in my den.  I think my family will like it when they visit (but I wont let my uncle Herman see it – he likes to lick things :( I dont know why) 
How much were you hoping to sell it for?

Katie:  $40 for the unlicked version

Me:  I sure hope its unlicked!  Silly uncles.  You never said how you killed the cow? I bet it was a great hunt!!  Is the skull pickup only or can I arrange for shipping?

Katie:  I’m afraid the cow died of natural causes.  And it’s for pick-up only – I would hate to ship it and it break.  Cash only too.  Thanks!

Me:  I am sorry to hear the cow died of natural causes.  I hope it did not suffer.  It was obviously a beautiful and majestic animal.  I live in Oregon.  Are you coming here any time soon? (We dont have sales tax and we have some really big lovely trees! I can show you them!)  I really need this skull.



 This is my first interstate interaction.  What a historic moment.   Katie is from Iowa and I was sent her ad by reader Stacy.  If you see something particularly interesting/lame on craigslist, feel free to email your submissions at tyler.funwithcraigslist@gmail.com and I may just have some fun with them.



May 18, 2009

Wood picture frames x3 – $15 (USC)

Reply to: *****
Date: 2009-05-18, 11:12AM PDT

Dimensions height 28″, length 40″ width 1″ Excellent condition, pick up only. Scenic, relaxing pictures can be included.

Email me your interest….thanks


(I think this says… “DESTINY – Yours involves a ton of rowing”)


Me: Are your wooden frames still available?

Will: Yes they are still available, and they have posters in them if you would like those as well.  You can pick them up anytime today or tomorrow.  My phone number is (847) 529-****.  Call or e-mail me back and let me know when you can come.  Will

Me: Do the posters contain any satanic imagery?

Will: No, the posters are just scenic, nature posters.  One is a picture of a hammock on the beach, one is a canoe on the ocean, and other relaxing pictures.  The posters can be easily removed if you don’t want them, but if you do we can just keep them in the frames.  Call or e-mail me back and let me know.

Me: Can I put some satanic imagery in them?

Will: Yes you can put anything you want in the frames, I can easily take out the pictures I have in them.

Me: Alright, I have spoken with my advisor, and I would like to purchase your satanic images.  We would like any and all satanic imagery that you have.  (Please consider us before anyone else who may have inquired about them)


Will didn’t get back to me.

What the Hell?


dot or feather?

May 9, 2009

corner table – $15 (sangabriel)

Reply to: *****
Date: 2009-05-08, 11:02AM PDT

storage corner table 15 $ only
please call 626287****.
thank you



And so it begins…

Me: beautiful table still available?




yes i have the corner table please call 626287****


Me: How many sides does it have?  I get confused when trying to count them.

Bhuvana: hi.  its a 6 sides do you like this?

Me: I do like this. 6 sides is very pleasing to me. six is a strong number, symbolizing virtue, honor and masculinity.  has this been owned by any powerful men?

Bhuvana: thankyou so much. i think you are an indian.right.

namasthe .

Me: No, Native American. (unless this is what you meant when you said indian)  I raise eagles for a living.

Me (20 mins later): still there?



Bhuvana was not still there.  Either she feels bad for assuming I was “dot indian” and not “feather indian” or she’s terrified that she’s pissed off some Native American out there who raises eagles and she wants NO part of that.

But props to Bhuvana for being the first craigslister to write “namaste” back

Namaste you all – and may you never know the fury of “thunder talons”

Doggone it!

May 5, 2009

Need A Business Plan? I Will Write It (California)

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-05-04, 5:03PM PDT

If you need any kind of business plan, I can help you. I have written dozens of plans for every purpose. Whether it be for a simple start-up, to get financing, to find an investor, to do a merger, for a marketing plan, to expand, etc. Quick turnaround if you need it.


First Email

Hi – I’m an entrepreneur looking to start up a dog grooming business.  Can you help with that?

Namaste friend,




Of course I can do a business plan for a dog grooming business.  A simple plan like this one would be for a fee of $1,000.  I require payment in advance, and can complete the plan in about 2 weeks.



Second Email

Great timothy!

well my idea is a rapid dog wash service.  Basically, I’ll go to dog parks and just quickly start washing dogs, any dogs I can find.  Then I think their owners will feel compelled to pay me a fee because I washed their dogs.  It’s kind of like homeless people washing your window – but  I’m not homeless and I’m washing little pups instead.  And everybody loves a clean dog!

Does that sound like something you can work with?

2nd Reply

Absolutely……….and I think it will work.   Very clever stuff.

We would come up with a very professional presentation to compliment the great idea.  Anybody you talk to would say, "wow, that’s cute."  Then you can present your business plan and prove that you have thought it thru.

Let me know if you make the decision to proceed.  I will wait to hear from you.


-what?!  I think anyone I talk to would say “wow, that’s dumb”

Third Email

I’ve run this by some other people in the past and they seem to think that it is illegal to take someones dog from a dog park back to my van in the parking lot to wash the dog unless I have permission from the owners. 

But I’m not sure – I can understand why I wouldnt be able to go to a regular park and nab some kids to wash, but dogs are just animals so its not that big a deal im sure.

I would like to call the business "Spot B Gone" because I clean the spots away, and a common dog name is Spot and he would be gone for awhile while i secretly wash him. 

Or maybe “Dog-gone Cleaners” because the dogs are gone, getting cleaned in my van.

do you foresee any legal problems?

3rd Reply

I think asking the owners for permission to wash the dogs would be even more effective.  You could say you are testing your washing equipment and washing some dogs for free.  You could follow up with a "tip me if you’re happy" line.  That would eliminate any legal question.  Just a thought.

– What great advice!

Fourth Email

I like to think outside the box.  I’ve also had the idea of after I wash the dogs, selling them to someone else, but cutting the previous owners in on the profits.  Doable? 

Maybe I can look for dogs whose owners don’t seem to like they like them very much.


Really? This is when Timothy stops responding?  Nabbing people’s dogs without permission and washing them in a van in the parking lot wasn’t too outlandish for him – but the second I mention possibly reselling the dogs, he’s done with me. 

Sounds like someone needs to expand their horizons.