Can you dig it?

June 15, 2009

>>View lots, ROSE HILLS Memorial Park – $2499 (whittier)

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-10, 2:41PM PDT

Mariposa terrace lots 717, no.1-2
Beautiful view lots, 3rd lot from Rose Chapel.
near corner of main road. $2499 each



Me:  Hello.

Do these have to be paid for before you die?


Robert:  yes pay the lots before it can be transfer in your name, and before you die.

Me:  Are there any other Sal Fontaines in the cemetery?  I don’t want people to get confused if they try to visit me  (well, my body).  I will have many visitors.  (I hope)

PS – your cemetery sounds nice

Robert:  I don’t think we can answer that, we have no idea.

Me:  You do not keep records of who is buried in your cemetery?  This is worrisome.  Perhaps I am misunderstanding you.

Robert:  we are not the Rose Hills memorial park, we own this lots acquired from Rose Hills.

Me:  Oh now I understand.  Are these plots previously used?  (I don’t mind if they are, I just hope the bodies have been removed/decomposed before I need the plots)

Sorry for that confusion.

Robert:  NO!!!!! NEW LOTS.

Me:  You are very passionate about this, I like that!!  Its good to find someone trustworthy on craigslist!!  So, are there any Sal Fontaines near your plots?  I understand you do not have info on all graves in the cemetery, but are there within say, 100 feet of these plots?

Robert:  I suggest you check that with Rose Hills, I have no idea.

Me:  That is a good idea, I just was checking to see if you knew off the top of your head.  Do you know if all races/religions are allowed to be buried at Rose Hills?  Do you want cash?

Robert:  All religions are welcome in this park. Of course I want cash, or bank transfer or cashier check or western union.

Me:  This is good.  Most cemetery’s frown on Satanists or they hide them in some terrible, dark, out of the way section of the cemetery.  But is this fair to all my Satanist (and some non-Satanist) friends that want to come visit me? No.  I’m glad to hear I’ll be able to be buried here without causing any problems or getting any grief.  That’s what America is all about. 

Would you like cash or cashiers check better?

Oh and can Rose Hills do standing burials?  (That’s when the body and casket are stood up vertically in the grave rather than horizontally)

You’re the best,


Robert:  by the way, that is 2 lots, I cannot sell one only. It should come by two.

Me:   That is perfect.  I want to be buried in two pieces anyways.  I will just put half in one and half in the other.  This wouldn’t be a problem would it?

Robert:  You will be paying twice instead, or you can sell the other one later. $2499 each..

Me:  Never mind Robert,  I think I have made a grave mistake.


Yeah… That. Just. Happened.



Horsing around

June 14, 2009

i will work with your horse for????? (will travel in sfv palmdale areas)

Reply to: see below
Date: 2009-06-11, 9:48AM PDT

I will ride your horses in exchange for any horse tack, panels, or any other horse stuff you may want to trade. I can also walk, pony, bathe, groom, turn out. blanket or just clean stalls…. also looking for small friendly goat for company for one mare.



I have a steed in need of breaking.

Can you do this?


Ronda:  yes I can how old?

Me:  I’m not sure.  I found him wandering my property.  He is pretty big. I know it is a he because I saw his "male parts."  He is all black (but with one white spot that kind of looks like a billiard ball).  He is very wild though and I can’t get near him.  Can you assist with this?

Ronda:  possibly where are you located

Me:  Sun Valley, in the hills.  I’ve found horses on my property before, but this is the first one that was alive when I found it.  I dont know where they are coming from.  What would you like in return for your services?

Ronda:  i am desprate for one stall all for panels with a gate..  I am taking in a rescue horse but I didn’t realize she needs to be in a stall.  my others are in pasture.

If the horse is still on your property go get some alfla and start feeding him, if you haven’t already make sure he has water too.  You can start putting out a bucket of carrots too.  He will come back at feeding time if you are consistant.  Same time every day…..  Don’t waver in the feeding times.  Horses need to eat every twelve hours and they must have water.

Unfortunately I am going out of town until Monday but he should stay around if you are feeding him.  I can come over next week and try to catch him.  Are you planning on keeping him? 

My name is Ronda and my husband will be helping me his name is Daniel we could come when we get back in town.  sorry it couldn’t be sooner.

let me know what is good for you.

Me:  this horse seems intent on killing me.  it gives me crazy eyes and runs at me whenever I try so much as even look at it.  I am frightened.  It is quite good at sneaking up on me.  But I am sad to say I have no stalls/stables for your use.  I do have a garage though.  Thank your for your feeding tips.


I feel kind of bad about messing with Ronda.  She was very nice and gave me some great tips for caring for a stray horse, should one ever come into my possession.

However, she was not very helpful when it came to the whole killer horse thing.


“The Sun Sets On Ty” or “The Sun Sal Rise Again”

June 11, 2009


Update: I registered a new email address for my most recent interactions.  People were beginning to search “Ty Wilsone” on google and suss me out as a joker.  Thus, I introduce to you my newest alter-ego, Mr. Sal Fontaine…

soothing sunset wall art – $25 (los angeles)

Reply to:****
Date: 2009-06-10, 2:31PM PDT

If you like sunsets, these prints will warm up your room(s) perfectly.

large matte silver frame: 33″L x 45″W = $25 (the frame is ready to hang with the wire attached on the back)

unframed sunset print: 19″L x 24″W = $10 (the glare is from the plastic still on print – never opened)

Thanks for looking.



 Did you paint these?


Hi Sal, 

 No, I wish I could.  It’s a photograph, matte finish.  Do you want it?

Me:  I see now.  You are a very talented photographer!  Your pictures that you took look just like paintings!  Where did you learn such a technique?  I am very jealous.  Can you sell me both or just one?  I understand if you want to spread your art around for promotion sake.

Marian:  Funny how you think I took these.  I’m actually planning to do more photography work.  It’s just a hobby but who knows, I could be challenged to see where it would go.

Thanks for the compliments but I didn’t take these.  Just bought them awhile ago for my office.
Of course, if you want both the photos – they’re yours.  I’m showing them tomorrow during work hours.

I’m located in downtown L.A. near 9th and Los Angeles Streets.

Let me know when you can make it.

Me:  I feel so foolish.  I hope I didn’t offend you :(

I just really like sunsets and I get excited when I see them (real ones and not real ones)
A sunset is like the perfect metaphor for life.  Sometimes we are hot and the world revolves around us but then we go down and hide and then the moon comes up and is dark and scary and bad things happen, but then we come back up again and life is good.
Is your office in a sky scraper?

Marian:  I don’t have windows in my office so I wanted the outdoors in at my 15 story “skyscraper”. 

I’m drawn to sunset colors – from golden yellow to siennas to soft reds.
In the office it warms up the place.

So, do you want them?

Me (12 hrs later):  15 stories! Wow, thats like… what, 500feet tall?  Thats like 3 football fields I think!  I hope one day I can work in such a tall building.  But why didnt they give you any windows?  That sounds mean of them.  Especially someone who loves sunsets so much.  Do you ever watch sunsets from the top of your building?  Maybe that would be a good place to take back up your hobby of photography and painting!  Very peaceful :)  So did you still want to sell me your lovely sunsets or has someone else already got them while I was sleeping :(

Marian:  I’ll be in my office today and tomorrow.  That’s in downtown LA near 9th & Los Angeles Streets.

Let me know if that works for you.

Me:  Can I come at sunset?  It will be like 3 for the price of 2 :-D – Maybe you can show me the roof access?

Marian:  Right now, I’m selling 2 sunsets on paper – between 12 and 4PM.   Does that work for you?  I think you’ll like them.

Me:  This will sound strange but can you add me to one of the pictures?  I can send you a picture of me and you cant print it out and add it so that it looks like I am at the dock having a swell time? maybe two pictures of me so that it looks like I am having fun with my twin or maybe a clone of me!  I can pay extra!

Marian:  Hey Sal,  I’m selling these prints as is.  If you’re interested in buying them, great.  If not, best to you.

Me:  Or maybe I could be in a canoe next to the dock! That could be a fun time!   Please let me know when you’re able to put me in the picture.  In the meantime I will look for my money (it always goes missing!)
You’re the best,


I guess my picture isn’t ready yet because I haven’t heard from Marian.  Thats good though, considering I haven’t been able to round up my money.


Skullduggery in Iowa

June 10, 2009

~/~/~Cow Skull~/~/~ – $40 (Beaverdale)

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-04, 8:44AM CDT

Cow Skull for sale – in really good condition. $40









Me:  What sort of skull is this?  It looks impressive.  Strong.
Namaste to you, kind hunter,

Katie:  It’s a real cow skull.

Me:  Oh how wonderful!  Did you hunt the cow yourself?  I have never hunted cow, mostly just squirrel and other ground varmints.  Your cow skull would look wonderful in my den.  I think my family will like it when they visit (but I wont let my uncle Herman see it – he likes to lick things :( I dont know why) 
How much were you hoping to sell it for?

Katie:  $40 for the unlicked version

Me:  I sure hope its unlicked!  Silly uncles.  You never said how you killed the cow? I bet it was a great hunt!!  Is the skull pickup only or can I arrange for shipping?

Katie:  I’m afraid the cow died of natural causes.  And it’s for pick-up only – I would hate to ship it and it break.  Cash only too.  Thanks!

Me:  I am sorry to hear the cow died of natural causes.  I hope it did not suffer.  It was obviously a beautiful and majestic animal.  I live in Oregon.  Are you coming here any time soon? (We dont have sales tax and we have some really big lovely trees! I can show you them!)  I really need this skull.



 This is my first interstate interaction.  What a historic moment.   Katie is from Iowa and I was sent her ad by reader Stacy.  If you see something particularly interesting/lame on craigslist, feel free to email your submissions at and I may just have some fun with them.


Going Once….Going Twice…

June 8, 2009


Reply to:****
Date: 2009-06-04, 10:26AM PDT

I am opening an antique auction and I need an auctioneer that is familiar with antiques. If there is an interest in this job please email me or give me a call at (310) 409-**** –Joshua


Me: heythereimanauctioneerivebeendoingitfor10,20,25yearstobeexact peoplehavecalledmethebaberuthofauctioneering oneofthegreatesttoeverswingthemallet(getit?likeswingingabat) iamveryfamiliarwithalltypesofantiques,antiques,antiques,iwillsellthem formaximumprofitandefficiency.ialsoliketomixinjokeswheniamrunning theauctionitkeepspeopleawakeandontheirtoes. sincerelytywilsone

Joshua:  When would you be available to come in for an interview?

Me:  howbout2,canIgeta2,2pm,2pm,doIheara2:30 whateverworksforyouworksforme.


I really cannot believe he responded.  Does he think that auctioneers actually type the way they speak  or does he just assume that the spacebar on my keyboard is broken?

Seriously, I have nothing else to say.  I still cant believe he replied.


Petal Peddle

June 5, 2009

Crystal Rose Petal Bud Vase – $20 (Glendale)

Reply to:****
Date: 2009-06-04, 10:29AM PDT

Crystal Rose Petal Bud Vases. $20.00 for the set of two. In excellent condition.










Me:  Do you still have these lovely vases?  They are shinier than anything I have ever seen on craigslist!  (WHICH IS ALOT)

Darla:  Yes, I still have them. They are very nice vases!

Me:  I do have one question, forgive me if it is foolish – but where do I purchase the crystal roses that go with these?  (I HAVE NOT HEARD OF THEM)

Darla:  I don’t know that crystal roses go with these vases. You can put regular flowers, roses, etc. in them.

Me:  ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  the vases are crystal.  I feel so dumb (I KINDA AM) whoops!  Do you know what crystal these are?  I wonder what flowers would look best, maybe pernithums or some sagewickers.
What do you think? pernithums or sagewickers?  I value your input! :)
And do you prefer cash?

(Yep, I just made these flower names up off the top of my head)

Darla:  I suppose either would look good!  I accept cash only.

Me:  I’m having trouble finding sagewickers.  Do you know any nurseries near you that might have them?

Darla:  No, sorry!  I don’t even know what they look like!

Me:  WHAT!?  THEY ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLANT/FLOWER IN THE UNIVERSE (well, I guess I don’t know if there are other plants in the universe) OR EARTH AT LEAST!  I MUST BRING YOU SOME, YOU WILL LOVE THEM!!!1! :-D

Darla:  I tried to goggle sagewickers and come up with nothing but wicker furniture. They seem to go by another name “Wood Sage”.

Me:  have included a picture of it, I really believe that this is perfection (WHEN IT COMES TO PLANTS HAHAH)  I love how delicately its little petals reach out into the air like a warriors hand reaches for his weapon to protect his property (LIKE HIS HOUSE AND HORSES AND WIVES)  wouldnt you agree?  wouldnt they look stunning in your vases?







Darla:  Yes they are quite nice….thanks for the picture!

Me:  so when would you like to buy my sagewickers? THEY ARE BLOOMING


Where do I begin with this post? 

First, Darla says both Pernithums and Sagewickers (the flowers I made up) would look good in the vases. THEN she admits that she doesn’t know what they look like.  THEN, when I send her a picture, she claims they are “quite nice.”  No, Darla, they’re not.  I found them by googling “ugly flower.”  They look like disheveled dandelions. 

But if you think Sagewickers are ugly, you should see some Pernithums.


Don’t tiki me off…

June 2, 2009

Hawaiian Tiki – Make Us An Offer – $150 (Mar Vista)

Reply to:****
Date: 2009-06-01, 5:46PM PDT

Beautiful hand carved Hawaiian Tiki Statue. Hand made from Oregon Cedar. Approximately 2ft tall by 1ft across. Weighs approximately 16 pounds. $150.00 OBO MAKE US AN OFFER!



Me:  Is this a real tiki?  or fake tiki?

Corrach:  Its hand carved eastern oregon pine.  Is that what you were asking?

Me:  That is good, but has it been properly blessed in any authentic tiki rituals?  (DO NOT MOCK ME)

Corrach:  No, we are sorry but it has not been blessed.  It was made by a family member.  We are from hawaii so we understand.  It has only gone from my relative to me.

Me:  Oh well this is okay.  Family owned and handcrafted tikis are pure and thus require no blessings.  Especially good is that it is genuine hawaiian.  why do you hope to get rid of this wonderful tiki?  Has he not brought goodness and strength to your life? (I HOPE HE HAS)

Corrach:  you speak very true words, so good in fact that you have made us question our reasons for selling it.  It really isn’t something that can be sold – we are going to keep it as it has brought us luck and love.  Sorry about that but thank you for the education.  Aloha.


Corrach:  Thank you friend – Aloha.


Now, I’m not sure if Corrach is putting me on but if not, then this a momentous occasion.  It’s the first time I’ve shamed someone into no longer selling their item. 

Take that capitalism!