Can you dig it?

June 15, 2009

>>View lots, ROSE HILLS Memorial Park – $2499 (whittier)

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-10, 2:41PM PDT

Mariposa terrace lots 717, no.1-2
Beautiful view lots, 3rd lot from Rose Chapel.
near corner of main road. $2499 each



Me:  Hello.

Do these have to be paid for before you die?


Robert:  yes pay the lots before it can be transfer in your name, and before you die.

Me:  Are there any other Sal Fontaines in the cemetery?  I don’t want people to get confused if they try to visit me  (well, my body).  I will have many visitors.  (I hope)

PS – your cemetery sounds nice

Robert:  I don’t think we can answer that, we have no idea.

Me:  You do not keep records of who is buried in your cemetery?  This is worrisome.  Perhaps I am misunderstanding you.

Robert:  we are not the Rose Hills memorial park, we own this lots acquired from Rose Hills.

Me:  Oh now I understand.  Are these plots previously used?  (I don’t mind if they are, I just hope the bodies have been removed/decomposed before I need the plots)

Sorry for that confusion.

Robert:  NO!!!!! NEW LOTS.

Me:  You are very passionate about this, I like that!!  Its good to find someone trustworthy on craigslist!!  So, are there any Sal Fontaines near your plots?  I understand you do not have info on all graves in the cemetery, but are there within say, 100 feet of these plots?

Robert:  I suggest you check that with Rose Hills, I have no idea.

Me:  That is a good idea, I just was checking to see if you knew off the top of your head.  Do you know if all races/religions are allowed to be buried at Rose Hills?  Do you want cash?

Robert:  All religions are welcome in this park. Of course I want cash, or bank transfer or cashier check or western union.

Me:  This is good.  Most cemetery’s frown on Satanists or they hide them in some terrible, dark, out of the way section of the cemetery.  But is this fair to all my Satanist (and some non-Satanist) friends that want to come visit me? No.  I’m glad to hear I’ll be able to be buried here without causing any problems or getting any grief.  That’s what America is all about. 

Would you like cash or cashiers check better?

Oh and can Rose Hills do standing burials?  (That’s when the body and casket are stood up vertically in the grave rather than horizontally)

You’re the best,


Robert:  by the way, that is 2 lots, I cannot sell one only. It should come by two.

Me:   That is perfect.  I want to be buried in two pieces anyways.  I will just put half in one and half in the other.  This wouldn’t be a problem would it?

Robert:  You will be paying twice instead, or you can sell the other one later. $2499 each..

Me:  Never mind Robert,  I think I have made a grave mistake.


Yeah… That. Just. Happened.



Freedom Doors

June 1, 2009

French doors, dual pane 8 foot tall – $75 (West Los Angeles)

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-05-30, 12:43AM PDT

32 inch x 96 inch x 1 3/4 inch dual pane, vertical grain doug fir door, 2 doors, priced at $75 per door, I am a builder and paid $450 for each door but did mount these doors as the opening was the wrong size so you benefit from my error



Me:  Do you still have these?  I am a stuntman.

Mark:  yes

Me:  This will sound funny, but I am a stunt man (korean film industry) and need some doors like these for an upcoming stunt.  This isnt any sort of specialized reinforced glass right?  It should break with the force of a full grown man running through it at full speed?

Mark:  There are dual panes of glass and they have no special reinforcement.  I have some other interest so you should pick up the doors on Saturday if these work for you.  I am located in Brentwood, near the 405 Freeway, just south of the Sunset Blvd. offramp.

Me:  Fantastic.  I will run through them quickly with great speed.  The stunt requires me to be nude but I will obscure my self with blinding speed.  Will this be a problem?  I can film at your house yes?  (I do not need to go inside – it will take less than 15 minutes)

Mark:  You need to purchase the doors and perform your stunt offsite.   I have no desire to clean up the broken glass or dispose of the doors after your stunt.  Nor do I have enough open space for your stunt.

Me:  Well I have a cleanup crew but if you do not have enough open space I understand.  Are there any graveyards near your house?  Do you want cash or cashiers check?  (My producers prefer cash as it is better for their books)

Mark:  The VA cemetery is one mile away , east side of Sepulveda, south of Montana.  Cash is fine

Me:  Perfect!  The cemetary stunt is going to be awesome.  Lots of fire.  When can I get the french doors?  Do you know who I contact about a permit to dig up a grave?

Thanks for the help,

PS – Let me know if you’d like to see some of my previous work, I have lots of clips available.

Mark:  I have no input on the permit.  You can pick up the doors on Monday.

Me:  Will you help exhume a body for extra cash?


I will take Mark’s lack of response as a “no.” 

I really cant believe how long he kept responding to me, so bravo to Mark and his patience or his desperate need to sell his two French doors.  Either way, bravo.