July 1, 2009

antique York safe (Los Angeles)

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-23, 10:20PM PDT

Tenant left this behind.  I have stored for a year, but now just want to get rid of it.  Research leads me to believe it is from the ’30s.  Very heavy, if you can haul it away, its yours










It is great fortune that I should come across this very safe.  Do you still have it in your belonging?

Hi Sal, You are the 5th person to respond. I will keep you posted, as someone is on their way to look at it. Thanks! Stacey

Oh this is truly disheartening.  If they are not able to crack the safe, I will be happy to give it a shot.  We can split whatever we find inside.  We do not even have to exchange any information just in case anyone is ever suspicious and tries to find us.

Hi, Thank you for your interest in the safe – the first person who responded picked it up.

What did you find inside?

While I was curious, my motivation was to get it out of the garage. After it was loaded onto the truck, though, I did say, “If you find a million bucks, send me a bottle of wine!”  Perhaps I’ll enjoy a fine Bordeaux once they open it…


Okay, I know this one isn’t all that funny but I just can’t believe she gave away a safe that she never opened!  Are you kidding me?! 

“Hey look, an antique safe from the ’30s that I can’t get open.  A mysterious tenant abandoned it when they left.  I know – I’ll just give it away and never look inside!”

I REALLY hope whoever picked it up sends her a bottle of wine, even if the safe is empty.  Just a lone bottle in a box with a note that says “Thanks.”  I’d love to see her face when she got that in the mail.

Ugh… Namaste.


It’s like really heavy

June 17, 2009


Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-06-16, 4:44PM PDT







Tina:  90-lbs(pounds) ,pair (2)


Tina:  are you ….?

Me:  am i what? :(

Tina:  (: playing a joke :)   it go’s 10-20-30-40-50-60-70-80- a-n-d than 90???

Me:  no Joke. I just dunno what 90 feels like

Tina:  heavy

Me:  BUT HOW HEAVY?  only weight i ever lifted was 15 pounds. I want some weights but dont want to buy ones that are too heavy for me to lift because then what is the point if you buy them to lift them but you cant even lift them?

Tina:  no,  i don’t think this set is ideal for you.    Thanks

Me:  why not?  do you think im week?  when I was in 4th grade I won strongest 4th grader award for being able to do many feets of strength  ( i got a blue ribbon!)


“Hey Tina,  how hot is it today?”


Tina is very helpful.


Freedom Doors

June 1, 2009

French doors, dual pane 8 foot tall – $75 (West Los Angeles)

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-05-30, 12:43AM PDT

32 inch x 96 inch x 1 3/4 inch dual pane, vertical grain doug fir door, 2 doors, priced at $75 per door, I am a builder and paid $450 for each door but did mount these doors as the opening was the wrong size so you benefit from my error



Me:  Do you still have these?  I am a stuntman.

Mark:  yes

Me:  This will sound funny, but I am a stunt man (korean film industry) and need some doors like these for an upcoming stunt.  This isnt any sort of specialized reinforced glass right?  It should break with the force of a full grown man running through it at full speed?

Mark:  There are dual panes of glass and they have no special reinforcement.  I have some other interest so you should pick up the doors on Saturday if these work for you.  I am located in Brentwood, near the 405 Freeway, just south of the Sunset Blvd. offramp.

Me:  Fantastic.  I will run through them quickly with great speed.  The stunt requires me to be nude but I will obscure my self with blinding speed.  Will this be a problem?  I can film at your house yes?  (I do not need to go inside – it will take less than 15 minutes)

Mark:  You need to purchase the doors and perform your stunt offsite.   I have no desire to clean up the broken glass or dispose of the doors after your stunt.  Nor do I have enough open space for your stunt.

Me:  Well I have a cleanup crew but if you do not have enough open space I understand.  Are there any graveyards near your house?  Do you want cash or cashiers check?  (My producers prefer cash as it is better for their books)

Mark:  The VA cemetery is one mile away , east side of Sepulveda, south of Montana.  Cash is fine

Me:  Perfect!  The cemetary stunt is going to be awesome.  Lots of fire.  When can I get the french doors?  Do you know who I contact about a permit to dig up a grave?

Thanks for the help,

PS – Let me know if you’d like to see some of my previous work, I have lots of clips available.

Mark:  I have no input on the permit.  You can pick up the doors on Monday.

Me:  Will you help exhume a body for extra cash?


I will take Mark’s lack of response as a “no.” 

I really cant believe how long he kept responding to me, so bravo to Mark and his patience or his desperate need to sell his two French doors.  Either way, bravo.


What a steel

May 26, 2009

stronghold steel cabnets

Reply to:*****
Date: 2009-05-23, 3:30PM PDT

verry heavy duty, large gage, with huge locking bolts and handle. cost over $1200. selling $600. you could spend as much to stack all your tools on top of eachother or use these with shelving. the heavyest cabnets I have ever seen. good for job locations or your garage, or workshop.

steelcabnet1 steelcabnet2


Me:  This looks perfect for my purposes.  Do you still have this?


George:  Hi, yes I do, just put them on a few moments ago

Me:  This is fantastic George.  I need to store large sums of money (mostly US but some other denominations)  I do not trust banks anymore.  Will this be suitable for holding money? 

George:  yes, I have 2 here in burbank I could show you any time.

Me:  Do you think they are water tight or can be retrofitted as such?  I would like to fill them with my money (not all of it) and sink them to the bottom of a nearby lake.  Of course, for safety I cannot tell you which lake.  Are they very heavy?  Will I need a truck for transport?

George:  yes they are close to watertight, or could be made watertight. they are verry heavy, but when you take the doors off and the shelving out they are much lighter. you do need a truck to move them.

Me:  I will need to retrieve the cabinets under the cover of night.  You will not be allowed to look at me.  I will pay extra for this courtesy.

George:  that’s fine, I don’t need details. But I would require cash. the 2 at my house are not the two for sale. those one’s are at my work which we would not be able to retrieve until business hours on a business day, of which I would bring them to my house so you could pick them up anytime.

Me:  Cash is perfect.  I do my best to avoid paper trails.  Do you prefer US dollar or British pounds or the Euro?  I have all three available to me. 


So, George was perfectly willing to sell his “cabnets” to some dude who would not allow him to see his face, but as soon as I offered him payment in his choice of currency, he’s out of here?

Too bad.  I was just about to ask him if he had any scuba gear for sale too.



May 25, 2009

the mask 2 – $5 (van nuys)

Reply to:****
Date: 2009-05-24, 12:59PM PDT

this is a original movie poster for the mask 2, its a rare chrome poster with the mask in the middle.



Me:  Greetings friend!  I would like to inquire about your Mask 2 poster.  I love it.  Do you still have it?

Andres:  yes i do.

Me:  Fantastic.  How much would it cost if I just bought the mask and not the poster?  (love it!)

Andres:  there is no actual mask, just the movie poster, and its only $5 bucks

Me:  Oh really?  Will you cut the mask out of the poster and sell just that to me?  You can keep the leftovers :)

Andres:  sorry youll have to buy the whole thing, and cut it out yourself

Me:  What if I pay you triple?  I don’t have any scissors.  Or you could sell me some scissors with the poster?  Or maybe I could borrow them?

Andres:  no thanks.

Me:  Alright, I’ll cut it out myself, somehow.  Will you accept $3 and a 5lb sack of Lima beans?

Andres:  ha ha youre a funny guy, get a life…..

Me:  So we have a deal?


Andres is the first craigslister to really get upset with me, or at least, the first one to express it.

I guess he couldn’t mask his frustration.


Carvin’ like Marvin

May 24, 2009

Table – $5 (1mi. from csulb & traffic circle)

Reply to: ****
Date: 2009-05-23, 3:29PM PDT

Coffee table – $5



Me:  Hello.  What is your table made of?

Stephanie:  It’s wood

Me:  Perfect.  I am looking for a wood table that I can do some carving on to make a cool design.  Nothing too crazy.  Just maybe like a skeleton doing a rain dance (for rain) – Is this something you think could be done?

Stephanie:   Hey yeah, it’s a good wood table for what you want to do. Plus it’s not too much of a burden lol. I’m waiting for a reply though from a lady because she wanted to pick it up sometime this week and is offering me $10. But I’ll let you know asap =)

Me:  I will give you $10 plus sand collected from the beach of eternal serenity.  I will also allow you to come share a meal with my associates and myself when I have completed the carving.  It will be a meal you will never forget.  I am also considering doing the carving of a wolf feasting on the intestines of a fallen warrior.  ______________________________________________________

Never heard back from Stephanie.  Surprising too, I thought my counter offer was very attractive.

My associates will be very sorry to hear that Stephanie will not be joining us for dinner.


Charcoal or Gas?

May 19, 2009


Reply to:****
Date: 2009-05-18, 10:09AM PDT


Me: Greetings friend, is your bbq still available?

Joe: hello please call (818) 610 **** because we had 2 bbq and i will tell you which one we sold which one is still in thank you .

Me: Would your BBQ be good for cremating small mammals? I believe my favorite hamster, Pablo Escabar XIV will be passing away soon. I would like to cremate him in a respectful manner. Sorry for the strange question.

Joe: no problem its ok
and yes it would be

Me: I really dont mean to be creepy or morbid, I just have alot of pets that I love. (Though some I like more than others!) It’s just getting so expensive to keep cremating them all, so I figured in these hard economic times, this would be a good way for me to cut costs while still respecting my little furry friends and their transition to the afterlife.

What do you think is the biggest animal that could fit on it?



No reply from Joe.

I guess I’ll never know if Fleabag and Mr. Ugly would have fit on Joe’s BBQ.